Why would you do that to yourself?

Now I realize that nobody knows what really goes on in a marriage except the two people involved. But.... Exactly what kind of bargain does a person have to strike with what kind of devil to stand up in public with the person who has destroyed them, and act supportive? This ground has been trampled flat by better known people than I, but I just don't get it.

It seems that a disproportionate number of people in politics are drawn from the pool of folks that don't have a problem with treating their spouses like garbage. I have also been following the personal blogs of several women who are dealing with rather intense challenges in their marriages. Things like drug- and sex-addictions; and even falling in love with someone while still married. I don't want to sit in judgement of another's marriage; marriages, good or bad or in-between, break up for all sorts of reasons. I suppose my disconnect is with the women who stay in what I would consider to be intolerable situations.

There is this curious puritanical streak in the American society, one that labels most sexual expression as "sinful". Unless, of course, that expression takes place between a man and woman who are married to each other, and some people add the caveat that it should be for the express purpose of reproduction. Everything else? Sin, the fruits of the devil, forbidden fruit. And don't we all know how much sweeter forbidden fruit can be? Anyone who has raised a toddler or teenager knows that children instinctively want to do what you tell them not to do. From personal experience, drinking alcohol lost most of its allure once I turned 21. The only thing that gave drinking any kind of cache was the idea that I was getting away with something by pouring my ill-gotten Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler in cup and drinking it on the sly. Now I drink a beer only on the rarest of occasions; my vice-of-choice is an icy cold Dr. Pepper.

So, when normal, healthy sexuality is portrayed as sinful then it becomes difficult for some people to distinguish between the healthy stuff and the twisted stuff. If all sex is sin, then what's the difference? If we could re-frame these attitudes as healthy vs. unhealthy, and save sin for the truly harmful aspects of sexuality, then maybe some women could recognize when it's time to say, "I'm not doing that." Sin related to sex should be about consent and harm: lack of consent or presence of harm constitutes sin. Rape, molestation, adultery, exposing someone to an STD, sabotaging birth control, sex or sexually explicit material involving those unable to give consent (children, mentally disabled, unconscious, drunk, etc.), anything against someone's will. The list may seem endless but any reasonable, ethical person would look at the examples and say, "Yeah, that's bad." Healthy vs. unhealthy is more personal. What's healthy for one person may be unhealthy for another. If your sexual practices are fun and edifying and safe for you and your partner(s), great. If you are taking unsafe risks, aren't happy, or feel bad about yourself afterwards then it's time to step back and realize that you aren't expressing your sexuality in a healthy manner for you.

These, mostly male, public figures trot wifey or loyal girlfriend out as if to say, "See, she doesn't have a problem with this and neither should you." We can self-righteously look at these women and think that we would have walked out on the slob, but would we, really? Women stay with men who hurt them all the time and I, for one, am sick of it.

There has to come a time when, "But I loooove him!" just doesn't cut it anymore. Spouses end up having to overlook quite a lot of irritating behaviors in order to make a marriage work. And not everything is battle-worthy. Toothpaste, trash, toilet seats, sometimes we just have to give up on nagging and do things for ourselves. Wives-don't like to sit down on the bowl? Look down before you sit. Husbands-don't like the trash to build up? Bag it up and carry it out yourselves. Some issues are definitely worth the work: communication, children, respect, personal pursuits, health, the future, etc. And some things have to be deal-breakers.

To me, addiction to illegal drugs and blaming "sexual addiction" because you don't care to keep it in your pants would be deal-breakers. People can become accidentally addicted to prescription drugs or alcohol, but not so with heroin or crack or meth. Someone actually has to do that on purpose. And then why would you want to stay with that person? A substance has become more important to them than you are, the addict is not the person you married. Decide how much pain you are willing to cause yourself and don't tolerate one bit more. I say that because you are harming yourself by staying in the relationship. Same thing applies to randy, old tomcats who claim that they can't help it, they're addicted. Wah.

Sometimes, a person has to look out for his or her own best interest because nobody else will do it. Who has these political wives' backs? Certainly not their husbands, and not the media, and not a goodly portion of the public. A lot of people think that wifey did something or didn't do something that caused her husband to act out. Bull. The only thing wifey could possibly be doing wrong is not taking care of herself amidst all of her taking-care-of-everyone-else. Poor thing, she's not even a person anymore, just a get-out-of-jail-free card, a prop, a scapegoat.

Along with a twisted view of sexuality, a large portion of American society also has a very puritanical outlook on marriage. Wives aren't full and equal participants in their own marriages, because they're supposed to submit to their husbands. It is a wife's responsibility to stay in a crappy marriage and take whatever her husband chooses to dish out. Even if you buy that disgusting notion, the rest of that passage from Saul of Tarsus (not Christ, btw), says that the husband should in turn love his wife as Christ loves his followers. And correct me if I'm wrong, but cheating on your wife with anonymous strangers in bathrooms or $5000 whores just isn't all that godly. So, wives, if your husband is doing these or similar things to you, you don't have to submit. You don't have to stay, you don't have to put up with it. You aren't a bad person because you put yourself first for a change.